A night of passion or not so great? (Picture: Getty/Metro.co.uk)
Over half of us here in the UK have had a one-night stand at some point in our lives; a single sexual encounter with the expectation that there shall be no further relations between the participants.
Done right, a one-nighter provides a thrill, the chance to get to know somebody new in the bedroom, and sex without strings or baggage included.
Today, we’re not discussing those sorts of one-night stands. Instead, these are the stories from people who’ve had silly, funny, cringe, and all-round awkward experiences.
We’ve compiled the one-night stand tales of some of our readers, and they’re not for the squeamish.
All the people in our stories are anonymous, which you’ll probably understand when you have a read.
Warning: In addition to sexually explicit content, this article also contains references to vomit.
Time to delve into the wild side of casual sex.
The Irish exit
‘So I was at uni and had been at a friend’s birthday party. I was very drunk but everyone else was just not really feeling it and it ended quite early. I was really not keen for the night to be over.
‘I was walking home and walked past this house with a huge party going on and someone I very vaguely knew was smoking outside. I basically invited myself in and started talking to a guy who I think lived there, but I am still not 100% sure.
‘We ended up having sex in a bedroom that may or may not have been his. It was all terrible and at the end, I threw up all over him and the bed. I panicked and did not know what to do so I threw my dress over my head, grabbed my tights and bra because I felt like it would be too much time to put those on, sort of half put my shoes on and ran home just carrying my tights and a bra.
‘Anyway, I ran into him a few times after that and I like to hope he didn’t recognise me but I think he maybe just didn’t want to look me in the eye.’
‘I was getting intimate with a guy who asked me to rub his nipples. I hesitantly starting rubbing them and he said “no faster and harder, like this”. He then demonstrated how he liked them rubbed.
‘I watched as he rapidly flicked his nips – I though he was going to give himself a heat burn. He was so turned on he ejaculated.’
The get-out clause
‘I had broken up with a boyfriend in December and met this guy in a club at uni in the March and had decided to have my first one-night stand – he seemed nice and I was very drunk so I was like, let’s go back to mine.
‘So we got to mine – he was in my room and I think I went to the loo and then sat on the toilet thinking “woahh I don’t actually want to sleep with this random”
‘Then I heard my friends come through the door, so I ran up to them and whispered that there was a guy in my room but I didn’t want to sleep with him, so please could they send him home.
‘They walked in. Apparently he was buck naked on the bed and was like “ahhh who are you?”, meanwhile I was in the living room pretending to fake cry’
The student night out
‘Once at uni I hooked up with a guy and the morning after had no idea where I was.
‘I had to call a taxi based on the number on his bins and walk to the end of the road to find the road name.
‘Then when I got back to my halls the ambulance was outside because my friend had had a full on seizure that morning and I a) had to walk from the taxi into halls in front of the emergency services and b) felt absolutely awful for not being there at the time.’
‘One man made me put on virtual reality goggles while he fondled me and I asked if he wanted me to rim him. He said no because he’s never done it before and we fell asleep watching Frasier.
‘Then he woke me up an hour later to ask me to rim him, then he woke me up to kick me out in the morning so he could take his dog for a walk.
‘Oh, and he had worker fetish so got me to wear his overalls with the crotch ripped open and his worker boots.’
‘Myself and my roommate met a couple of brothers on a night out in Sheffield in an absolute dive of a club. We were reasonably intoxicated and it seemed like a great idea at the time to experience some “brother loving”.
‘The lad I had the pleasure of being intimate with was in the navy and clearly hadn’t seen/spoken to/slept with another female for a long time.
‘Whilst giving him head he got a little too excited and thrust his c*ck under my tongue, tearing my frenulum (the piece of skin anchoring your tongue to the floor of your mouth) which left me hosing blood.
‘It was like a scene from a Quentin Tarantino film crossed with an audio book read by Louie Spence.
‘In the morning, my roommate was having far too much of a good time with her brother and while waiting my navy seal decided all he wanted to do was watch the entire Shrek collection and snuggle. Incredibly awkwardly.’
The ‘you can leave your shoes on’
‘There was a guy who was a friend of a friend who I really liked and there had been a little bit of a vibe. Eventually, after a night out, we kissed and I ended up going back to his.
‘Initially, I was like, “this is great, it’s finally happening” but then he insisted on keeping his shoes on the entire time we had sex – and also he weirdly had a pillowcase over his TV.
‘I was very quickly like, “oh god this can never happen again”. He was actually very sweet the next morning.
‘I was very keen to just let it fizzle out, until he ended up sat right beside me in an exam a few weeks later and then we had to walk out together and then do the 20 minute walk home together, where I had to break it to him gently that the shoe thing was very weird when he asked if we would see each other again.’
The giraffe onesie
‘I’d gone on a Christmas night out in my hometown, and ended up going home with a lad from a few villages along who knew some of my friends.
‘The night itself was hazy, and I’d left my purse with my friend for ‘safe keeping’. All I remember was being in his room, having okay sex, then him putting on a Frankie Boyle dvd and showing me the tin where he kept his weed (there wasn’t even any in there).
‘But it really got awkward when I needed to pee. He lent me his giraffe onesie and told me where the loo was, and I ran downstairs without doing the thing up, only to be met with his dad at the bottom of the stairs, giving me the worst evils I’ve ever experienced.
‘I rang a taxi right afterwards, and although my pal had my purse, the taxi cost £3.90 – the exact amount of change I had in my pocket. I took it as a sign I was supposed to get out of there and never return.’
The repeat of dinner
‘There was this man who I shagged down an alleyway under a tree who was actually rattling my throat with his knob so forcefully I spewed my nachos with salsa, sour cream, guac, etc. on his c*ck and had to suck it all off and swallow again before he noticed.’
The not-so flawless victory
‘I went home with a guy after a night out while I was at uni. We were in the living room of his friend’s houses as all of the rooms were taken, and we were trying to make the best of it on the sofa.
‘All was going well, the sex was good, I was really into it and found it quite exciting that we were in the living room and someone could walk in.
‘But then… the guy was on top of me and he orgasmed, as he came he shouted – at the top of his lungs – “Mortal Kombat!!!!”
‘I was so shocked and confused that I just stared at him. Then, seconds later, I hear his housemate shout from the next room “Finish her!!!!!” in response. Which, I have since learned, is a video game reference. Mortifying, to say the least.’
The artful dodger
‘After some extremely overenthusiastic cunnilingus (you know the sort) followed by some very short-lived penis-in-vagina action, the guy was happily smoking a cigarette next to me. This was Colombia so that was sort of ok.
‘After a while I decided to make conversation and asked him what kind of artist he was. Big mistake. He started all this blather about how he believed that the centre of passion and life and humanity and blah blah was…
‘Turns out he was a vagina sculptor. Made vaginas out of I don’t know what. Painted them. Was obsessed with them.
‘I nearly passed out thinking he might have been memorising mine with his tongue.’
The scent of a mistake
‘We’d had a lovely evening, went back to her place, and I really needed an unexpected number two.
‘So, found loo upstairs, absolutely unleashed poozilla, only to realise the facilities were out of order and no water in the pan. I had to fish my poo out, not knowing what to do, I drunkenly put it in the small bathroom bin.
‘We fell asleep after a lovely tryst, only to have the warm summer’s morning waft the smell of my bin shit into the room. I ran.’
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