‘I feel a bit frustrated’ (Picture: Neil Webb)
‘I’m really into my new boyfriend but I have one complaint – he climaxes quickly.
‘We’ve only been together for a short time so I’m unsure how to approach the subject.
‘I’ve mentioned it as kindly as I could during sex but nothing’s changed and now I feel quite tense in bed, even when we’re just kissing. I feel a bit frustrated.
‘My last boyfriend wasn’t anywhere near as great and we had lots of issues but we did have good sex.
‘What do you suggest?‘
Nothing quite sums up the human condition like a chat about sex.
‘We allow ourselves the extreme physical intimacy of sex but we can’t find a way to talk about how it makes us feel,’ says Rupert Smith.
‘Perhaps he’s anxious about something or perhaps you’re worried that if he’s not making love to you in a certain way, it means something about how much he loves you.’
Whatever the dynamic, it’s clear that this situation has triggered concerns about your ability to communicate.
‘Was communication a concern in your last relationship?’ asks Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘Because you appear to be carrying that bag of worries into this one.’
Perhaps you lack confidence in discussing your own needs.
‘If this sounds familiar and you do tend to put others’ needs above your own, it’s time to learn about assertiveness in a way that doesn’t offend others,’ Rudkin continues. We suggest you start with an honest conversation.
‘It doesn’t have to be critical or persecutory but it has to acknowledge the fact that what you do with your bodies also involves emotions,’ says Smith.
There are many reasons why someone climaxes quickly and you can’t change all of them but talking about the situation should mean you can approach it calmly and logically. Tell him you enjoy having sex and that you want to experience more of it with him and then focus on your pleasure.
‘It might be over fast for him but that doesn’t mean it’s over altogether,’ says James McConnachie. ‘If being inside you makes him climax quickly, then do everything else together first,’ he says.
‘You might even notice that things improve with time and reassurance because a hair-trigger orgasm can be a symptom of anxiety.’
As your confidence around communication grows, you can be clear about what it is you desire.
‘Try, “I want to show you what really turns me on because I want you to do it to me”,’ says McConnachie. ‘That doesn’t sound like criticism, does it?’
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
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